I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
is wine microwaveable?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
