the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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