just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
