My sheets look like a crime scene.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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