I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
