I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
