Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
