What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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