Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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