so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize