I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
