im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
