Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
