I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize