made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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