You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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