I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
