omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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