I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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