I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
