I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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