I am in a vortex of obligation.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize