My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
