Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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