toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
