I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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