It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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