My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
