I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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