Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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