those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You dont lie about slip and slides
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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