Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
