quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
