Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He passed out mid-signature
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
