now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
