There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
