I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
