I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
