Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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