i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
