Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
