You surviving the open bar?
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it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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