Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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