Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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