Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
