I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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