So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I looked at my own cervix.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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