he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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