I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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