12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
