Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
