I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
