I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize