my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
