Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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